24 hours

24 hours can hold many things! Noah doesn't have the flu! Quite honestly the doctors are not sure if he has viral or bacterial issues. He has this barking cough from asthma that we can seem to alleviate. He is weezing really bad and I just nebbed him. His next neb is at 4p.m. and the nurse told me at 4:30 to neb him again with another Xopenex.So that means within a half hour 2 xopenex and 1 Impatropiam. There idea is to try and keep him out of the hospital. He could have bronchitis or Pneumonia not sure. I just don't know how much more his little body can take. His fever spikes to 103 or better at night- sometimes during the day- and I don't feel like there is anything that I can do but just watch and wait for him to feel better. I try to keep him out of the hospital because that is more of a hardship on me and the kids. I know I am being selfish but I'm already sick and if the past repeats itself Chris will not be around to do anything for me. I could use 30 min away because it's hard seeing anychild hooked up to IV's and monotors and sometimes Respirators to help them breathe. I can't leave him because I'm scared so I have not one person to talk to while I am there. Chris is just able to sit at home and play computer games and feel comfortable in his home. He always tells me he is worried about our children but he may spend 45 min at hospital a day to see him and then it's back home!!! I feel it an honor to have the children that we have in our lives I just wish he felt the same. Oh well, if Noah needs to go then I'll go because down the line the one I need to answer to is GOD about what type of Mother I was to my children. I know that Chris will too and I have to forgive. That is hard when I'm still imperfect. I know that Know that Noah is a breath from Heaven and I was chosen to be his mother. Sometimes I don't understand why. I'm sure there are other women out there who God could have chosen who might have a little more patience and a little more love to cover it! My Mom says I'm wrong that I have all of it and I just can't see these attributes. I'm not sure that I do it unselflishly (sp?) though. I love my children so much and it hurts that sometimes I feel this way. God has charged me to be their parents. I sometimes don't feel like I am sufficient enough to be their parent. Chris has made sure of that. I accidentally didn't hear the alarm go off and he raced home to tell me How is Noah??? You gonna sleep all day and not take care of Noah??? Maybe he is right maybe neither one of us were cut out to be these children's parents. I'm not sure all I know is that I can't change what happen and crying about it all day is not going to help matters at all!!! Until next time!!
Christi~ xoxoxox