Today............

I finally had the ability to remember something positive about my childhood. It wasn't told to me.....I remembered it on my own!!! Thank God for his small miracles to help me heal from my childhood!!
CHristi~

24 Hours in the life of a BIPOLAR CHILD..................

This is my time to give you a little information about pediatric Bipolar disorder. My daughter suffers from this dibilitating emotional disorder.
Bipolar disorder (also known as manic-depression) is a serious but treatable medical illness. It is a disorder of the brain marked by extreme changes in mood, energy, thinking and behavior. Symptoms may be present since infancy or early childhood, or may suddenly emerge in adolescence or adulthood. Until recently, a diagnosis of the disorder was rarely made in childhood. Doctors can now recognize and treat bipolar disorder in young children.

Early intervention and treatment offer the best chance for children with emerging bipolar disorder to achieve stability, gain the best possible level of wellness, and grow up to enjoy their gifts and build upon their strengths. Proper treatment can minimize the adverse effects of the illness on their lives and the lives of those who love them.

Families of affected children and adolescents are almost always baffled by early-onset bipolar disorder and are desperate for information and support. In this section of the CABF web site, you will find answers to some of the most common questions asked about the disorder.

How common is it???
How common is bipolar disorder in children?

It is not known, because epidemiological studies are lacking. However, bipolar disorder affects an estimated 1-2 percent of adults worldwide. The more we learn about this disorder, the more prevalent it appears to be among children.

* It is suspected that a significant number of children diagnosed in the United States with attention-deficit disorder with hyperactivity (ADHD) have early-onset bipolar disorder instead of, or along with, ADHD.
* Depression in children and teens is usually chronic and relapsing. According to several studies, a significant proportion of the 3.4 million children and adolescents with depression in the United States may actually be experiencing the early onset of bipolar disorder, but have not yet experienced the manic phase of the illness.
So what is a day like for parents with a child of bipolar disorder??? click the link to find out!
So what can you do to help these wonderful children? Check the link below to find out.
Here is a link to most of the information that was provided today.......

And for a fabulous book that will be a learning experience all on it's own.........


To most people it's an aweful issue children have to face so here is a picture of my daughter to let you know that now BIPOLAR DISORDER has become personal.

Valentine's Day Stinks!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although, thelast four Valentine's days has been a toss up, I wished that someone would have bought me something for Valentine's day. It's as if i meant nothing to Chris the whole 9 years we were married. I do get flustered at times. I've been having dreams lately about the molestation that occured to me when i was preschool age. I think I now need to bite the bullet and make an appointment for hypnotherapy. I believe for the longest time i was not ready to bring this stuff up. I guess one could say that I need my power back from taking all the B$ll 4h!t all this time from everyone. I'm emotionally stable sometimes to a shameful measure. I'm driven to be emotionally distant from everyone! I guess you could argue that not letting people within my heart, making me less vulnerable. I care intensly for people that I truly love. I do believe trusting men with my emotions is very difficult. If I do trust you, I probably will not reveal my true self until you are laudable of those emotions. There are many people that I have given my heart too. Yet, they have not been laudable of such emotions. I think one in particular needs to hear this but I'm so stubborn he may never be informed of what he needed to reveal. I love him with everything i have and regretably that is not enough right now. I must seem as a child to him. What I can tell him is that i'm not as bitchy as i seem nor am I as ruthless and unforgiving. I'm not sure who the true me is anymore. I think I lost that when I was 3, Jimmie took it. I now need to get it back from the bastard so I can move on with my life and enjoy who I am. Who knows I may be able to say Hello to this gorgeous man, from the real me and he may love what he sees then! I don't know how my life will play out in the grand scheme of things. All I know is that i have a great deal That i love. I also want to be loved like I matter in this world. I'll have that one day, I just know it! Btw, Steve, my son and daughter asked how you were today. I told her I didn't know because I don't see you anymore. Alexa asked my why? I didn't know what to say. I don't even understand why. I think I was too close and I didn't want to get any closer to someone who I thought wanted nothing to do with me!!! Oh well, I think we all make mistakes in this life. YOu weren't the mistake, not standing up with my feelings that night was the mistake. I'll regret it for years to come. Happy Valentine's Day all!
I love you,
Christi~

Today last year we buried you! I was so numb!!! Not as numb from the cold and snow but from the lack of feeling that I had! I just didn't know what to feel! I was sad, scared and emotionally drained. I have for some reason always had emotional restraint. You taught me unconditional love but I've yet to master it. I feel so lost in this world. Mom tries to help with her lovely we'll see him again one day. I'm suppose to have strength, love, patience and above all love for myself. This path has been teaching me to stop being fearful and just love myself no matter what mistakes i've made. I made a mistake never telling steve how I felt outloud! I guess I'm suppose to love myself through that. I don't think it would have mattered to him because he doesn't feel as though he need to give that closure! I wish he could! So I'm no longer worried about it. I love Me, I think?? I'm working on the negatives that have taken chunks of my spirit long ago and will continue to pray for everyone that I care about and bring them into my circle of love and divine protection. Maybe one day when I quit seeking him he will come to me when I'm ready. I guess I don't Unconditionally love you yet! That is the problem. How can I fully love someone when I don't love myself. If anything you have given me the hope that I can learn how to love someone without hating myself in the proccess they will go hand in hand! I won't get emotionally hurt in the process!!I love you Al! It is okay to go!! I'm sorry I wasn't there to say goodbye!!I should have myself enough to tell Chris where to go!!! For the rest of my life I'll be indebted to you for such strong lessons from such a young man!
I love you and I Miss you,
Christi~

GOsh the year is getting closer....

....To the anniversary of my step fathers death. At this point I've held names and such on how I feel but it has not helped my soul. Steve.....I wish you were here right now. You are not and that is something that hurts me. I felt stupid to believe that you could care for me in that way. Oh well you seem to be one of those people like SHREK you are like an onion with lots of layers. I have always wanted a prince. I think I love too much sometimes. I chose to love people because that is what God calls us to do. I chose to love you for a different reason. Because i wanted too and probably still do want that love with you. I've stopped contacting you because for some reason you think it's ok to ignore me. Fine ignore me, that doesn't make me go away not does it make my pain stop! I don't understand why you are so angry. I don't love Chris nor did i want to stay around for you to play your little games to see if I am worthy enough for you to trust. This could have been something with a little discretness;which could have happened after I left. For once in my life I have never dreampt about sexuality with a man just a closeness that will probably end stupidly. I don't know what else to say I dumbfounded by your lack of closure. I feel abused by you. Just like Chris, Jimmy and every other man in my life! It always has to be on a mans terms. I'm one of those women who is strong,unselfish, loving and most of all scared no matter how strong I seem. I need understanding and I need a soft place to fall. I was just hoping you could have been that man. I guess I'll never know. I don't have any expectations now. I just need to heal from all of this negativity that has came to pass in my life! To give Al's Memory meaning I am being who I am and taking a step of faith! This is it!!!
XOXOXOXO,
Christi~