Happiness is .....

Knowing who you are inside and loving that person that you see. I do love who I am and someone someday will love who I am. Kinda funny...Chris was just a stepping stone for me to move on with my life. Quite frankly I don't care who reads this blog anymore. I
Just want to be happy with who I am! That is my resolution this year. No matter what Jimmy did to me when I was 3 or 4 I deserve to be happy and hurting myself is not ok!
x0x0x0x0,
Christi~

Anguish is what I feel.......

Christmas just wasn't Christmas this year. I think that we delude ourselves into believing that we don't need someone special in our lives to have a great Christmas. I cried most of the day internally for the arms of someone special around me. I think that someone special knows whose arms I'm speaking about. I sometimes think that Life isn't fair sometimes. Why does God allow us to meet people that we fall head over heels for and put roadblocks in the way so if feels like you would never be able to have something with them? I'm crying right now because I miss him. I want so much to be with him and I don't know if this feeling will ever go away. I don't want to forget him. I'm a romantic and this scares me.I'm always falling for people who don't care or care but are too scared to show me how they really feel. I just need to accept there may be no me and him. It's hard because I pray every night that God would take care of him, keep him healthy, safe and honest. God will give him forgiveness for everyone if he would just ask God for the help. I forget that I have always been brought up in church and he hasn't had the opportunity. He is still learning what it means to forgive and to be loved by someone. Love is an awesome feeling when you choose to accept it from someone and trust that they will not hurt you in the journey. I am willing to love and be this to him all he needs to do is accept it from me!
In love,
Christi~

Scared...

Tonight I'm going to have to speak with someone that i care about and tell them that quite possible the proffessional relationship we have is over. I've felt this way for quite sometime just didn't have the guts till now to end this sort of relationship. I felt hurt for a while and somewhat used in a way. I believe in my heart that I am worth more than what I'm getting. Still it's hard to end these sorts of friendships because there is always some of my feelings attached. I'm moving on all relationships not just this one. I need to feel worth and that is not what I'm getting lately. I do believe what dr.Phil says is true, " you teach people how to treat you". I've taught to many people how to treat me badly, to the point I expect it. There are people out there who will treat you like they should and then there are some that appear to be "users". I don't like to be a play thing or a toy or a puppet on a string. So I hope the other half of this proffessional realationship will read this and understand that there wasn't any other motive then for me to be happy again. Because I feel my children need a happy mother and without weird expectations or other people. I just needed to move on and not wait on something that may never happen,badly as i want it!
xoxoxoxo,
Christi~

To a Friend

Behond the midst of fear, YOU, have shown up in my life with a light. You show me the beauty that I have. You pay attention. Happiness surrounds you. I love this about you. You seem quite content just to be with me. I don't think I have ever met someone quite like you. Warmth, care, intelligence radiates from your soul. Your gifts are more than just monetary. Your gifts are a blessing to me. I just wanted you to know!
xoxoxox,
Christi~

HOw girly are you??

I promise this is the last one....

You Are 64% Girly

You're a pretty girly chick, and you're not ashamed to admit it (or wear pink). But you're also practical. You can hang with the guys, as long as they're not too gross!

How Girly Are You?

romantic or realist

HEHHEHEHe~~~~

You are a Romantic Realist

Okay, so you fall in the middle. You know that love isn't like a greeting card... Yet you can always find a greeting card to describe your feelings. You are the best of both worlds Girly yet independent, dreamy yet serious. Almost any guy can find balance with you.

Are You a Romantic or Realistic?

How well do you understand men

LOL these are too funny!

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

WHat nail color best fits you???

This is just mindless stuff, but I just love doing these quizzes!

Your Nail Polish Color is Pink

How you're unique: You're girly without being high maintenance Why your style rocks: You're the perfect blend of stylish, preppy, and cute What this color says about you: "I am secure enough not to follow every trend"

What Color Nail Polish Best Fits You?

What eye color are you?

Your Inner Eye Color Is Brown

You're smart, thoughtful, and the ideal woman for most men You are kind and easy to trust. Men open up to you like no one else. It's this inner warmness that attracts guys - and makes you an instant soulmate.

What's Your Inner Eye Color?

Confirmation from Al

I remember something that I told my mother.... we were speaking about how my step father Al always wanted a daughter(little girl). I remember getting angry and saying I could have been his little girl if he would just have tried harder. I guess I was going through the anger stage. Well I was crying today in the car because I missed him and told him I wished I could have been you little girl for real. You would have been a great daddy. Then it comes on the radio " My little Girl" by Tim McGRaw! I started bawling. Then I asked for confirmation from him and he then put on "pick UP Man" by Joe diffey. This is our song me and Al everytime I feel sad this song always comes on the radio! So here are the lyrics just in case you need to know:
My Little girl

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go.
Gonna tell you how much I love you,
though you think you already know.
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm.
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born.

Chorus:
Your beautiful baby from the outside in.
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again.
Go on, take on this whole world.
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl.

Verse 2:
When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone.
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown.
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You!" in the moonlight at your door.
As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More!".

(Repeat Chorus)

Verse 3:
Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand.
But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half
that makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man.
I know he'll say that he's in love.
But between you and me. He won't be good enough!

Describe yourself with song lyrics....

I saw this on Rocky Mountain Hobbies today. How would you describe yourself song related. This would be a great way to journal just so you know!! Here is mine:
1. Describe Yourself: Simply Irresistable- Robert Palmer
2. How do you feel about yourself?:Angel Sara Mclauchlan
3. Describe where you live: Traffic jam James Taylor
4. Describe your relationship with your SO?:Take the pieces by The Wreckers
5. Where is your favorite place on earth?:country road James taylor
6. Describe HOW you live: Rain by The Wreckers
7. What is your dream / wish?: Push Sarah McLauchlan
8. Describe your kids/pets:Some Kind of Wonderful James Taylor
9. Share a few words of wisdom:Perfect Girl Sarah McLauchlan
10. How do you say Good-bye?:When I Get Where I'm Going Brad Paisly and Dolly Parton
So MErry sunday!! I think I might see a challenge coming on!!!

So are you left or right brained in love ladies? I'm....

You Are Right Brained In Love
Bit of a drama queen
Peacemaker, first to end a fight
Good at thinking up creative dates
Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily
Going with your gut instead of your head
Emphathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault
Good at recognizing patterns in relationships
Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count
Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love
Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow
Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind
Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart

Are You Right Brained or Left Brained in Love?

Sometimes you just have to jump in....

Well last night, to start the dating process, I made my own personal profile for Yahoo( laughing). I mostly have started it because if we are dating now then great! I don't mind meeting new people. The major issue with me is finding a man that is older than me who doesn't think I'm out for money, that I want him to keep me up or I want his house ( laughing) I actually find it stimulating to have great conversation with someone older than me. Least they can carry on a decent conversation( intelligent one that is). There at a place in their life where they are stable. They have more of a maturity level( well most) and they know what they want. They have learned through the years that what a woman really wants is to be loved no matter what they feel like they have become physically, emotionally and spiritually. You can look at a older man and say hey could you wear a different shirt tonight and instead of ignoring you or telling you that you are being stupid or lame they just change it to make you happy. They understand that asking them to do something is not us nagging them but in asking we want to know that we have a place to fall. Ok enough with the tangent.
Well I hate to take Noah out today because he has been so sick but I'll have too! I have several things that need to be mailed off and have to buy more juice at the grocery store. Noah is doing better though. His cough has gotten more wet and he is getting the junky stuff up. So I am assuming and I'm not a doctor that it was something bacterial. As he is moaning. Women need to teach their son's, whom we love very much, how to walk, use a juice cup and talk -instead of moan- when they are sick. He doesn't feel well I know but gosh use your words!!!( laughing). Need to go and check on him!!
xoxoxoxo,
Christi

What DT would you be on?.....

HEIDI SWAPP DESIGN TEAM!
Just like Heidi, you are a believer. You are a dreamer.You are an artist.You are a teacher.
You are a designer and you have a vision.

This was a fun quiz to see with your scrapbooking style what dt you would be on! As you can see I would be on the Heidi Swapp team! lol
http://www.quizilla.com/users/savvyshare/quizzes/What%20scrapbook%20company%20should%20you%20design%20for...%3F
so let me know in the comments section what you would be!!!
x0x0x0
Christi~

24 hours

24 hours can hold many things! Noah doesn't have the flu! Quite honestly the doctors are not sure if he has viral or bacterial issues. He has this barking cough from asthma that we can seem to alleviate. He is weezing really bad and I just nebbed him. His next neb is at 4p.m. and the nurse told me at 4:30 to neb him again with another Xopenex.So that means within a half hour 2 xopenex and 1 Impatropiam. There idea is to try and keep him out of the hospital. He could have bronchitis or Pneumonia not sure. I just don't know how much more his little body can take. His fever spikes to 103 or better at night- sometimes during the day- and I don't feel like there is anything that I can do but just watch and wait for him to feel better. I try to keep him out of the hospital because that is more of a hardship on me and the kids. I know I am being selfish but I'm already sick and if the past repeats itself Chris will not be around to do anything for me. I could use 30 min away because it's hard seeing anychild hooked up to IV's and monotors and sometimes Respirators to help them breathe. I can't leave him because I'm scared so I have not one person to talk to while I am there. Chris is just able to sit at home and play computer games and feel comfortable in his home. He always tells me he is worried about our children but he may spend 45 min at hospital a day to see him and then it's back home!!! I feel it an honor to have the children that we have in our lives I just wish he felt the same. Oh well, if Noah needs to go then I'll go because down the line the one I need to answer to is GOD about what type of Mother I was to my children. I know that Chris will too and I have to forgive. That is hard when I'm still imperfect. I know that Know that Noah is a breath from Heaven and I was chosen to be his mother. Sometimes I don't understand why. I'm sure there are other women out there who God could have chosen who might have a little more patience and a little more love to cover it! My Mom says I'm wrong that I have all of it and I just can't see these attributes. I'm not sure that I do it unselflishly (sp?) though. I love my children so much and it hurts that sometimes I feel this way. God has charged me to be their parents. I sometimes don't feel like I am sufficient enough to be their parent. Chris has made sure of that. I accidentally didn't hear the alarm go off and he raced home to tell me How is Noah??? You gonna sleep all day and not take care of Noah??? Maybe he is right maybe neither one of us were cut out to be these children's parents. I'm not sure all I know is that I can't change what happen and crying about it all day is not going to help matters at all!!! Until next time!!
Christi~ xoxoxox

Why I love Parenting!

I love parenting mostly because I always seem to learn something new everyday. Why my daughter refuses to do her homework! Why my son loves school. Why a child enters the words" persons privates" into a computer url box and then gets into porn sites. The difference between the male sperm donor, father and dad! LOL! What the symptoms of the Flu are for children, and why men, by the sound of a name, become utter dominant children. Boy oh boy life has been crazy this week. Chris left for a business trip in California and comes home loving wine and a few more new shirts,wonder what that is about? LOL must be the new woman he's dating. In all 12 years we have known each other he has hated wine. I guess she is something new, nevermind the mother of 2 he had home for 9 years taking care of his kids. She's probably skinny too, which I would have been if he would have taken time off work so I could do more for myself. Honestly, I just love being fat and unhealthy( sarcasticely spoken). Then there is the moment he gets home and says that he didn't have a filter on Alexa's computer and she was looking at porn sites! OMYGOSH, can you say totally freaked I still am from all of wondering of what she actually saw on those sites. On saturday afternoon he tried talking to her about it and started berating her about it. He asked her, When did it happen? Why did it happen? What were you trying to find? Why did you think it was ok? What did you put in to get these sites? and she comes home screaming at him stating my ears hurt and I hate you and you don't love me and so on.... then does the girl thing....Locks herself in the bathroom. Ok I told Chris before he went to talk to her about it that it was curiosity. And to not freak her out about it! I won't he says! Wrong!! It took me 15 min to get her out of the bathroom to talk to me about it! Evidentely they are talking about this stuff in school and she was interested of what we all look like right there( privates) she put in the words "person's privates" to find out. She got scared but she saw an enormous amount of sexual content, got scared and then ofcourse tried to get rid of the enourmous amount of popup and she couldn't so she rebooted the computer. She was scared because her friend Amber told her I would be mad and she didn't talk to me about it. Well I told her there was no reason for me to be angry with her it was just curiosity and from now on when she is curious about anything to come and tell me. So without being a bad parent I have a friend who is going to allow me to use one of her anatomy and Physiology books and me and her are going to discuss a "person's privates". Flu is around the corner for me and the family! Noah has all the symptoms of the flu. Oh well for getting anything done this week! Noah says he is fine going to school because he is fine and he loves school. Wow how it changes from week to week! My daughter this week has refused to do homework. Me and the teachers nipped that one in the bud. If she doesn't do homework at home she sits with the teacher in the office and eats her lunch and does her homework there and with no talking. I told her this week if she does her homework with only being told twice that she will be able to go to her friends house for a sleep over. She says she will. Now for the issue on dads. This weekend was suppose to be Chris' weekend with the children and it ended up being mine. My son was sick and Chris was on the computer all weekend. I ended up doing more because I can't say the big "NO" when it comes to being a mom. My friend Karen told me this and it hit home: any boy can be a sperm donor, any man can be a father but it takes a special man to be a dad! I think Chris is a Father he makes money for them to have clothes on their back and a roof over their head! As for a dad, I think I need to find one for them. That is sad! Not a replacement but a man who will love them the way they are and spend time with them and show Noah how to be a good man and dad! That will be one of the critera for finding someone to be with. If he isn't daddy material then i'll have to abort dating him. I went to see a friend this weekend and I politely said hey read this letter I wrote to Chris and he immediately wigged out on me. I don't have the time, I'm a little sick and I have to be in Ashburn tomorrow. I wonder what that was about. Sometimes men have more pms than we do I think. Oh the sound of a man's name other men go dominate on you and stuff! Wouldn't it just be easier for them to say...I kinda like you and I don't care to be a part of the whole Chris thing! That cool! Don't be a part of it! Although, until I know I still pay you to be a part of the Chris thing!!
My musings of the week! Will write later on how Noah is doing! Need to take him to see the doctor now!!
XOXOXOXO,
Christi~

Party Day

Wow It doesn't seem possible that Noah's birthday party day is here! All of the preparations have been made. I have the wrapped presents, fun treat sacks and all the wonderful "Cars" party plates. I thought I had extra Thomas plates but didn't so I went running around last night looking for Thomas plates but couldn't find any! I decided to purchase the "Cars" movie plates, napkins and treat sacks. Oh well for a full on theme, but you can't have it all. I picked up a cute talking "Mater" toy for him last night. I love the one saying, " My names Maaater, like TaMaaater, without the TA.". I think I'll have more fun with the toy then Noah will. I love Larry the Cable guy! I love the stillness of the house right now. I relish these moments of just me time. I am able to enjoy my time just to reminice about my son. Alexa and Noah have changed so much since they were babies. Alexa is definitely a music lover and Noah just loves to play by himself in his room. I appreciate them both so much. The other day my friend Patti asked me If I could have a perfect world what would it be? I told her there is a person I like a great deal and he would be in my life along with my children just the way they were. I have rough days with the kids but I would not have it any other way. I also said that in my perfect world that I would have an education to fall back on and I would have already learned paitence and know God as my strength earlier. Have a good Sunday from my crazy house to yours!! Life is great and I feel happy! Today I remember what God says in the Bible," suffer the children to come unto me". I know that God always has room for my children because they are very special!!!
XOXOXOXO,
Christi~