Valentine's Day Stinks!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although, thelast four Valentine's days has been a toss up, I wished that someone would have bought me something for Valentine's day. It's as if i meant nothing to Chris the whole 9 years we were married. I do get flustered at times. I've been having dreams lately about the molestation that occured to me when i was preschool age. I think I now need to bite the bullet and make an appointment for hypnotherapy. I believe for the longest time i was not ready to bring this stuff up. I guess one could say that I need my power back from taking all the B$ll 4h!t all this time from everyone. I'm emotionally stable sometimes to a shameful measure. I'm driven to be emotionally distant from everyone! I guess you could argue that not letting people within my heart, making me less vulnerable. I care intensly for people that I truly love. I do believe trusting men with my emotions is very difficult. If I do trust you, I probably will not reveal my true self until you are laudable of those emotions. There are many people that I have given my heart too. Yet, they have not been laudable of such emotions. I think one in particular needs to hear this but I'm so stubborn he may never be informed of what he needed to reveal. I love him with everything i have and regretably that is not enough right now. I must seem as a child to him. What I can tell him is that i'm not as bitchy as i seem nor am I as ruthless and unforgiving. I'm not sure who the true me is anymore. I think I lost that when I was 3, Jimmie took it. I now need to get it back from the bastard so I can move on with my life and enjoy who I am. Who knows I may be able to say Hello to this gorgeous man, from the real me and he may love what he sees then! I don't know how my life will play out in the grand scheme of things. All I know is that i have a great deal That i love. I also want to be loved like I matter in this world. I'll have that one day, I just know it! Btw, Steve, my son and daughter asked how you were today. I told her I didn't know because I don't see you anymore. Alexa asked my why? I didn't know what to say. I don't even understand why. I think I was too close and I didn't want to get any closer to someone who I thought wanted nothing to do with me!!! Oh well, I think we all make mistakes in this life. YOu weren't the mistake, not standing up with my feelings that night was the mistake. I'll regret it for years to come. Happy Valentine's Day all!
I love you,
Christi~